TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm, Racism, Drug Use, Violence, Bullying, Abuse, Neglect

Hands pressed against window,

Mountains disappear, flat lands swallow,

Driving along, unable to see all around,

So new, so foriegn,

Imagine living in a place and time,

Where there is only one person of another race,

Waking up surrounded,

New to being a minority,

Going in with great attitude and love,

Only to be faced with bullying,

Words of hurt,

A world of lies,

Embarrassed to be,

Unable to protect myself,

A gun in my back,

An hour later,

Told there is no justice for me to be had,

Alone, sitting all alone,

Feeling the world fight against you,

Unable to understand,

As mental health problems drown you,

I fought so hard,

I worked harder,

I sat at the feet of elders,

Learning, growing,

Yet, none of my peers ever accepted me,

I was constantly in turmoil,

Bullied every day at school,

Hated, spitted on,

Broken down by racist hate,

Hating the movie “Jungle Fever”,

The Rednecks yelling in the hallways,

“Hey Jungle Fever!”

My love, she felt it too,

We both did,

Fighting for our love,

Our parents hating our relationship,

All I wanted was support,

All I needed was to be accpeted,

All I yearned for was to be someone I could make others proud to know,

Yet, combat, silence, emotional snubbing,

No one took my silence seriously,

Judging me for wearing black,

My long hair an issue,

Looking adults in the eye,

Knowing I am a better person,

Even if I am less mature,

False Christianity surrounding me,

Lies, hate, destructive thoughts, racist words,

Escaping the lips of the people I am supposed to love and respect,

My sexuality changing,

Then I learned I was “gay”? It was such a journey,

Keeping it secret,

Only one other person out at school,

F words flying around as if they were candy,

I find my place on the wall of freaks,

All around me people dropping acid, coke, heroin,

My long term love broke up with me to go snort,

Man in that muscle car threatening a teen,

Shame on you,

The thoughts of suicide floating all around,

Never a day where I didn’t think of ending it,

I was in such pain,

I was so lost,

I never learned who I was,

I couldn’t compete in any extracurricular activities,

I wanted to be in the 5th grade band,

I wanted to be on the swim team in 8th grade,

I wanted to be in the drama club every year,

I wanted to wrestle,

The fun and hilarities of this is,

My own sibling was in everything she wanted to be,

I’m proud that I never wanted less for them though,

I am happy of their experiences,

Yet, I am constantly sad I never had my own,

All I did my whole life was slave away,

Working deadly jobs at the age of 8,

Scraping manure behind cows,

At 10 I was digging ditches all day,

By 13 I was mowing, clearing campsites,

Installing pools, building compound walls,

laying concrete, hanging drywall,

Now, I am glad of all those experiences,

The knowledge is a treasure,

I would sacrifice some of it to have had the chance to discover,

Myself.

Summers brought along fake friends,

People who didn’t have my back,

Pretending we were blood brothers,

The lessons learned there were important,