Today was a busy timeline of emotional swings. I felt anger, joy, sadness, free, hyper active, slow and dull, while being nervous and shaking from time to time. I’ve come to learn from this cycle that I may be on the upswing to become manic which with as bad as this emotional tornado has been will crash into deep depression.
I’m writing this as a help for those new to bipolar or someone who lives with or knows someone with the illness. It isn’t always easy to recognize these emotions because they swing so fast. Its like chasing a subway car. You know you will never get on; but, our frustration drives us forward.
It usually starts off a couple days before with light depression for a day and the next day moving up the ladder towards a bit of hyperactivity, fast talking, easy spending, and overall looseness.
Then as if it creeps like a tiger it lashes out full force in the brain sending emotions crashing like water on a beach. Each one only lasting as long as the wave is active.
People notice I flow between being distant to wanting all their attention. Along with a fast speech pattern and fluidity in making choses that are not normal for me. Purchasing a major purchase while doing little research and not caring about the consequences.
Anxiety flows in and out of all these moods. From time to time it gets so bad I have immense paranoia that I am in trouble with people or I have mad people mad. However, I can never reason out anything I’ve done to offend people. On the rare occasion a transgression comes to mind I dwell on it for hours, much like Golem from Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.
Not much draws me out of this state. Solid confrontation helps some; but, even though I am able to handle criticism, I still need a soft touch when my psyche travels too far down my tangents.
I hope explaining one of my signs of my personal cycle through bipolar helps people understand what goes on in a person’s mind who has bipolar illness.