Recovery

Recovery is a long process of traversing valleys and mountains.  When I start climbing my mountains I have a choice to use the tools that I’ve earned through therapy and life lessons, or to climb it using my own devices.  Devices being depression, self-doubt, pity, low self-esteem, anger, and self-abuse through talking down about myself.  Sometimes the choice passes quick, it is not always easy to notice when the choice is being presented.  Depression has a nimble way of creeping into the mind secreted by other thoughts.  Never the less, the choice is always there, use the tools or don’t.  What depression really wants of me is for me is to lose control.

The loss of control always comes with a price and it makes self-doubt larger.  In turn this doubt creeps in and makes me believe I am a poor recoverie.  When this happens my impressions of myself are that I do not have the strength to use the tools I’ve learned to traverse my mountains when I lose control.  It takes my support system lifting me up, setting me on my feet, dusting me off, and pushing me forward for me to realize that the strength always existed inside myself; however, when depression takes control of me and distorts my reality its hard to distinguish down from up.  I’ve found in my recover I also need a support system to keep me from sinking.

Support comes from many places.  I find support in my therapy sessions, from my friends, my family, my lover, blogs, and groups.  Each support person or thing carries with it a different significance to my stability in recovery.   Relying on people is hard, things are easier to rely on. I have observed relying on people or things is a personal preference and other people differ largely on what, who, how, when, and why they rely on something or someone in their own recovery.  Each support system is vastly different and no person can tell another how exactly to build their own.  The only important thing I have found in my recovery for myself is that it is extremely important to have one because Mount Depression is hard to climb alone.  Our support system is there to help us as recovery is a process that keeps moving throughout life.

Recovery hasn’t ended and professionals have told me it never will end.  Recovery is a lasting process.  It is a frustrating process.  Stumbling and getting back up gets tiresome.  Sometimes after stumbling for the fifteenth time I just want to lay in the mud and grumble.  However, I do admit remembering that I have 10 years of recovery under my belt does help give me motivation to pick myself back up.  The process continues and as I move into year 11, it is always a process, recovery never stops it always grows.

My support system is a blessing.  Groups have been a lifesaver.  Writing, blogging, and drawing are great outlets to release the depressed emotions.  In these things I find outlets and ways to remember to use my tools to climb the mountain.

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