Where I Was, Where I Am

Depression has been a thorn in my side since I was a preteen.  I remember starting to feel depressions effects as early as ten years old.  I don’t know if anyone noticed, or if anyone knew how to help.  I dealt with depression silently because the one time I tried to get help I was yelled at like I did something wrong.  The suicidal thoughts drifted in by the time I turned fifteen.  I was angry and never allowed to express it without retaliation.  As a teenager I never fit into any crowd and was a loner.  No one was my friend because of my living situation.

When I graduated high school at seventeen I wanted an escape and joined the military.  Now I had some good times in the military.  However, I experienced some very intense bullying and because of my unresolved issues I broke down.  I eventually couldn’t bear the stress of my job and my family anymore and I cracked under the pressure.

That experience cost my career in the military, but it allowed me the opportunity to grow as a person.  Since then I’ve battled with major depression & personality disorder so much.  They have both brought me to my knees, bringing me close to suicide.  I survived and pulled through those times.

It has been ten years since I first saw someone for my issues.  Ten years of therapy, trying different therapeutic drugs, and working out my rage.  Most importantly it has been ten years of learning to forgive myself, and to be easy on myself.  I am my own worst critic.  I tear apart everything I do critically.

I’m glad I’ve survived to be able, to say I’m alive ten years later.  It is a tribute to my doctors, family, friends, and my hard work.  It isn’t easy to get out of bed certain days.  I still struggle with rage issues.  Escape would be nice instead of facing my problems.  Tools keep me in check.  Hobbies help ease my mind.  Life’s issues become less important as I age.  The further away from a problem I get, the less important it really seems.  Time does go on and life does pass by for us all, in one hundred years my mood today probably will have little to most likely no effect on my families mood then.

I just try to remember to live day by day now, moment by moment.

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