What am I doing with my time? Am I being productive? Have I achieved anything today? Did I keep myself on task long enough to have checked off the box that is next to my task? What measure do I use to ensure I am productive? Is the measure a meter of productivity or a meter of satisfaction in work accomplished? When do I know that either meter is reached? How? Why? Who? What?
All these questions fill my mind about my productivity lately. I have a drive and it lasts a few weeks then it will whither away and sprout into a new project. I don’t know if I am the victim or the projects I start are. A thought occurs to me to start smaller projects, maybe create shorter goals. I could write a list of projects I’ve wanted to accomplish, projects I’m working on, and projects I’ve abandoned to help me gather together the pieces of me that are missing.
I feel as if I have many holes in myself. It is as if I am missing that one thing that will fill the hole and make me complete. I jump around from project to project looking for that right creative spirit to make me feel alive. Each thing I create helps me feel alive in a different way. A painting brings out calmness, drawing is a mood of satisfaction, knitting has a fun mood because it is complicated, and writing can be painful, fun, sad, and calming.
So I know a list may help, and projects help create or stabilize moods; but, I do not know what fills the hole I am seeking to fill. I feel this emptiness and it creeps about my mind with legs that dig and scratch. I chase it and it runs faster. One day, I will catch it and I will leave it empty because I am afraid if I fill it my creative spirit will die.