The Hole I Chase

What am I doing with my time?  Am I being productive?  Have I achieved anything today?  Did I keep myself on task long enough to have checked off the box that is next to my task?  What measure do I use to ensure I am productive?  Is the measure a meter of productivity or a meter of satisfaction in work accomplished?  When do I know that either meter is reached?  How?  Why?  Who?  What?

All these questions fill my mind about my productivity lately.  I have a drive and it lasts a few weeks then it will whither away and sprout into a new project.  I don’t know if I am the victim or the projects I start are.  A thought occurs to me to start smaller projects, maybe create shorter goals.  I could write a list of projects I’ve wanted to accomplish, projects I’m working on, and projects I’ve abandoned to help me gather together the pieces of me that are missing.

I feel as if I have many holes in myself.  It is as if I am missing that one thing that will fill the hole and make me complete.  I jump around from project to project looking for that right creative spirit to make me feel alive.  Each thing I create helps me feel alive in a different way.  A painting brings out calmness, drawing is a mood of satisfaction, knitting has a fun mood because it is complicated, and writing can be painful, fun, sad, and calming.

So I know a list may help, and projects help create or stabilize moods; but, I do not know what fills the hole I am seeking to fill.  I feel this emptiness and it creeps about my mind with legs that dig and scratch.   I chase it and it runs faster.  One day, I will catch it and I will leave it empty because I am afraid if I fill it my creative spirit will die.

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