Three months ago I set off on a new chapter of life. I’m learning a lot about myself and enjoying the benefits of my move. Doctors have changed, material stuff has been donated to charity, a new roof over my head, enrollment in a new day program, and a lot of company. Depression and anxiety still hangs around about every other week or with every major change. Sometimes it feels like the world is sliding from under me and I can’t catch a firm grip on it.
Support systems exist; however, I still have trouble trusting people. Confiding in my partner is hard because I am afraid of disappointing her. I mind read and future cast that she will be upset at my inability to move forward in my recovery. This is especially troublesome because I’ve come to a large dip in my recovery process. From this point a year ago to today I am more depressed and anxious. I isolate more and I have a fear of people, specifically that they mean me harm. I think more and more about abusing substances when I know that would only compound my problems.
Specifically I am looking for an escape from the anxious feeling I have all the time. I want to feel calm and relaxed and able to enjoy a few moments without being on edge. Catch it, check it, and change it is a new tool I just picked up that I am hoping will substitute well for this. Often anxiety for myself comes from my future casting what will happen in my mind and foretelling the worst outcome, or I work myself up so much over a good outcome that I worry it won’t happen on time or my part of it won’t be fulfilled. So in turn I end up being places an hour early or doing things for people I shouldn’t do.
The hospital has assigned me a case manager which I was confused about it the beginning. I thought I should have a therapist, but perhaps having a case manager will be better because already I am getting support through a day class that helps people learn to socialize and build mental health tools. Only time will tell.