A New Journey

Three months ago I set off on a new chapter of life.  I’m learning a lot about myself and enjoying the benefits of my move.  Doctors have changed, material stuff has been donated to charity, a new roof over my head, enrollment in a new day program, and a lot of company.  Depression and anxiety still hangs around about every other week or with every major change.  Sometimes it feels like the world is sliding from under me and I can’t catch a firm grip on it.

Support systems exist; however, I still have trouble trusting people.  Confiding in my partner is hard because I am afraid of disappointing her.  I mind read and future cast that she will be upset at my inability to move forward in my recovery.  This is especially troublesome because I’ve come to a large dip in my recovery process.  From this point a year ago to today I am more depressed and anxious.  I isolate more and I have a fear of people, specifically that they mean me harm.  I think more and more about abusing substances when I know that would only compound my problems.

Specifically I am looking for an escape from the anxious feeling I have all the time.  I want to feel calm and relaxed and able to enjoy a few moments without being on edge.  Catch it, check it, and change it is a new tool I just picked up that I am hoping will substitute well for this.  Often anxiety for myself comes from my future casting what will happen in my mind and foretelling the worst outcome, or I work myself up so much over a good outcome that I worry it won’t happen on time or my part of it won’t be fulfilled.  So in turn I end up being places an hour early or doing things for people I shouldn’t do.

The hospital has assigned me a case manager which I was confused about it the beginning.  I thought I should have a therapist, but perhaps having a case manager will be better because already I am getting support through a day class that helps people learn to socialize and build mental health tools.  Only time will tell.

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