Trying To Get Back On Track

Taking care of Charlie my ivy plant really helps me start my day off right.  Having a task to do sets my mind in order for other things I need to do throughout the day.  The reason this is important is because lately I’ve lost track of myself.  My days are disordered and unscheduled.

I need to find tools that will bring me on track.  When I was in the military I had a daily plan that would tell me where I needed to be, how long I needed to be there, when I was to eat, when I was to sleep, when I had recreation time, when I had to stand watch, and so on.  I don’t have those responsibilities anymore.  My responsibilities are to myself, take care of my apartment, take care of my car, and so on.

It has been eight years since I wore a uniform; but, it is still hard to schedule my day out without coming off as an overbearing drill sergeant to my friends and family.  In my mind time is an important commodity to be used to its full advantage.  The old military motto fifteen minutes is on time applies for me, and I am so bad at this habit sometimes I show up to events an hour early.

When I clean I remember, “clean the corners,” or, “make it shine.”  I’m often not satisfied until something is scrubbed clean.  I find it hard to let things go for even a short time.  I’m constantly rearranging furniture trying to find the most efficient way to live.  I can’t stand dust, and I’m used to having three hundred other people around me who can’t stand it either so it is hard for me to keep up with it to my personal taste.  I would almost walk around my house with a dust cloth in my back pocket.  For instance, in just one day, one hallway, we would pick up one pound of dust while underway in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Why are these habits so ingrained in me?  Why can’t I escape these habits?  I’d love to have a better outlook on time management and cleaning.  I try to let things slip by.  If I let things slip by though the things I let slip by just drive me up a wall in my mind.  Mix that with my depression and personality disorder and it creates a cocktail of anxiety, anger, depression, and questioning that puts me in a gutter of a mood.

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